There have been no updates, nothing to update for quite a while. Life has followed its stately march – nothing has happened to put things out of sync. New Year… New Hopes? New Aspirations? I dunno. Why should there be anything new? Why pick the first day of a new 365 day cycle to make changes, to do new things? No resolutions. No celebrations. I fell asleep in the old year and woke up well refreshed to greet the new.
I spent the first day of the new year doing stuff I wanted to do, pampering myself a little, in the company of people I enjoyed being with. Caffeine imbibing sessions and a soothing pedicure.
Managed to visit the old man on the 2nd day. Mixed feelings about the visit, as usual. Sometimes I just feel like screaming out loud at the unfairness of it all. I miss him. I want my abba back. I want him back the way he was. I want the silent presence in front of the TV watching yet another interminable documentary about life forms 5000 ft below the sea level. I want the pre-dawn silent walks which I (grudgingly) shared with him. I want the sound of my parents squabbling (in jest, f course) every evening. I guess I wouldn’t even mind the silent treatment I used to get from him when I did something he did not like. I want the clockwork precision in which he used to schedule all his activities from the time he woke up to the time he went to bed.
It wasn’t so much the things we used to do, or the conversations we had. He has always been a solid presence in my life. You know, the archetypal strong silent type? That was my dad. The changeover from what he was to what he is now is just impossible to digest. Every year, time and disease ravage the man I knew and I realise that I am slowly forgetting what he was and how he was. And it hurts so bad to try and trap a few more grains of his old familiar personality in my grasp…. and the more I try to hold on, the more they slip away.
So a new year has dawned, I am still the same old me. No resolutions – My resolution has been the same for the past 10 years and more – To be without resolution. To leave some stones unturned, a few melodies unheard…
